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“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it’s hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.”
This post is not about problems, this post is about forgiveness, more specifically self-forgiveness. I have been on a journey for self-forgiveness for quite some time, for decisions I made in business that put me and my family at risk, and for what I paid a significant cost to endure. These decisions have cost me more in what I continued to do to myself by re-living them and punishing myself over and over again, then they ever did financially.
Many Coaching sessions and much reflection had spotty results, until I read this quote from the wonderful book Illusions recommended to me by a friend. Oddly Enough he told me that the path to self forgiveness would be clearer when I read this book. He was right.
I, like I am sure many of you, had been told about “the things you did are in the past, just let them go” or some version of that advice. To be clear I know the people who told me or the things I read certainly had good intention, and to a certain extent I think they are right. This is where it never worked for me though I think. The whole thought pattern is based on the belief that I can not change my past so “why worry about it”. The first lesson in this book was that in fact I can change my past.
My past, as easy as my future can certainly be changed. The events of course can not be changed, but how I view them, and more importantly how I allow them to serve me can certainly change.
“You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don’t turn away from possible futures before you are certain you don’t have anything to learn from then. You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past”
- Richard Bach
My coach had pointed out a blind spot to me several months back that I am certain he was right about. The insight was that I create my own problems, largely unconsciously, so that I can come in and fix them. There is no question that a significant source of my fulfilled life comes from solving problems. The frame I look at the world, what I call my BIG GAME, is “creating uncommon solutions for common problems” so I think this insight was on the money.
I in turn had a great coaching session with one of my private clients recently where we uncovered a similar insight. We determined that my client was addicted to chaos and therefore was creating her own chaos so that she could “live and cope” through it. Sound familiar or hitting home for anyone else?
Let me now get to the point. In both of these cases we looked at these insights as something negative. ”Why do I create my own problems?” Just so I can don my Superman cape and swoop in and solve them. How can this possibly serve me long term. ”Why do I create my own chaos? This is not a healthy route maybe I should stop doing that.”
This thinking only served to feed my disappointment in myself, and fuel the negative thoughts about the problems I created. Certainly this was not helpful in achieving self-forgiveness. I was now going to be on a path of ensuring I stop creating problems. I am not sure why I thought this was a good idea but nonetheless I was bound and determined to try it. Never mind how that might have changed how I play the game, it was and is completely un-workable. Particularly on what I was ultimately pursuing which was to finally and truly forgive myself for the mistakes in the first place.
Enter Richard Bach and Illusions. I learned that not only is it ok to create my own problems, I should be thank-ful for them as there are many learning opportunities in those problems. This may seem like a simple concept to you, and you may be asking “how could you not see that”. The point is when we are in the “rut” in our thinking often we can not see the solution even if it is staring us right in the face. I am thank-ful I kept pushing and searching.
I am free now to not stress over whether I will create problems, rather I hope I do. The more problems I create the more learning I will enjoy. What a different paradigm. I am full of peace and harmony…FINALLY over problems I created in my past. I am certain I learned from them, and I am thank-ful that they happened.
Now it is your turn. Have you been beating yourself up over mistakes you have made? Try to be thank-ful for those mistakes. be genuinely happy you made them, for you have been given a gift. If you are like me then you will look back and say “I did in fact change my past, and what a glorious past it was.”
If you like this post then please share it. I know there are many people struggling with self-forgiveness, who often struggle in silence who might achieve a breakthrough from my experience, and your sharing.
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By Mark Fidgett, February 28, 2011 @ 3:59 pm
I’ve read some of david Whyte’s work. –
When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone , no part of the world can find you.
It is striking to think that the particular source of power to which we feel indebted defines our own sense of personal power. If we owe a great deal of money, we are vulnerable to feeling powerless, to feeling a lack of choice about how we work and what we have to do in order to earn it. Our source of power is often, therefore where we owe our debts
If however, we are indebted to other sources, our power may emanate in a different way, we may owe our safety to a good friend, our sense of compassion from a loving wife and our insight to a fine teacher, we may be beautifully indebted in a different, far more merciful and generous way, to philosophers, thinkers and poets or to our great artistic and contemplative traditions; we are all deeply in debt to the natural ecology that surrounds us and sustains us from generation to generation. We are in debt to all these sources, and what we owe is to be prized.
This type of indebtedness allows our power to emanate in a different way.
Ask yourself at the end of a day, to what or to whom I am indebted for my present circumstances?
Your buddy in Van
Mark Fidgett
http://www.notapennydown.com
By Greg Williamson, February 28, 2011 @ 7:09 pm
As always I love your thinking, and I think this is some of your best work. Thanks for Sharing
By Bernadette, March 1, 2011 @ 4:30 am
I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. When I regret a decision that I have made in the past, I find it’s because the “why” hasn’t materialized yet. Eventually it does. At present I have no regrets. There were times in the past that I thought I made the wrong move but eventually I realize that I actually made a great move.
With your so called bad decisions that you think you made in the past, I am sure they allowed you to be better at coaching me, they prevent me and your future clients from making the same mistakes and when you coach me, you coach from experience and authority instead of pure theory.
And I don’t necessarily think you create problems, I think you love creating a big life and you like to try different things and different approaches….hence you grow and evolve and you allow us to learn from your innovation and from the things that you dare to try.
Remember, you are whole and complete, you are a wonderful gift…your past, your present and the future that you create for me and for the rest of us in your journey.
Thank you for always sharing and giving.
By Greg Williamson, March 1, 2011 @ 4:35 am
Thanks Berndette. I am thank-ful for you being in my life. You are one of my people
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